Today I’d like to discuss the social management aspect that comes with infertility. By this, I am referring to fertile friends and family, insensitivity, and putting on a brave face to be “happy” for others. HA! No, but seriously. How about those people that want to give you advice? You know, the ones that either have never been through it or have and are so removed that it seems mental extraction has occurred and they no longer recall what it’s like in your shoes now that they have their perfect angel. Or family or friends that seem to breath and get pregnant? Or having to attend one more baby shower before you have (another) meltdown?
Perhaps you are more receptive to advice, or don’t take these things personally. Recently, my sister in law texted me (unsolicited) that a couple of her friends are going to this specialist in another major city two hours away from me. Where my sister in law lives, an hour outside of this major city, this makes total sense for her friends. Since I live in a major city and have received treatment from a nationally recognized specialist, I think I’m good. While I get that she is trying to help, I didn’t ask for her advice. In the past, comments such as this could easily send me spiraling into either a deep sadness or a ranting anger. Fortunately, now I just roll my eyes. So, how do we get deal with this? I know for me personally, there are three things that have helped…
1. Get support! Other couples with infertility issues or that have gone through it and remain sensitive to it are a great start. Also consider individual therapy, group support, online, or simply talking with others that are sensitive to this. My therapist has helped me immensely in cutting myself some slack and forcing me to confront my feelings with compassion.
2. Decide your stance on sharing. So, this may seem to counter the getting support concept, however what I mean is make a decision with what you want people to know, who you want to know, and stick to it! If I’ve learned one thing, there are many people that can be callous in this process. So, I am careful with who I open up to and how much. While I do not deny infertility issues, there are some people I brush off quickly and there are others that I share more. However, my line with all but my husband is general terms (i.e. “this cycle I am doing…” but not getting specific about dates).
3. Let it go. This last one takes a long time and if I am honest I am still working on it. I am talking about not comparing your journey to others. Allow yourself your feelings of envy and jealousy when others celebrate this milestone, but then let it go. We each have our own path and have to have faith in our own journey. One of my favorite verses is “Jesus replied, ‘you don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.'” John 13:7.
If I focus on my life and control what I can (career, home, health), I have found some peace in these three concepts. I hope this is helpful for you and encourage you to share it as needed. Please feel free to write comments below!
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