I have talked to you frequently about these struggles in fertility. While I do feel I have been open with you, I wondered what might happen if I expressed myself in the form of a letter. I understand that everyone has challenges. When things get tough, I remind myself that things could always be worse. I remind myself that I have many things to be grateful for–and I do, I absolutely do. Yet, I want to take this opportunity to be honest about how I feel….
Why? I have dedicated much of my life to preparing my world, myself, my career to bringing children into the world. My line of work is with children, I’ve switched to a position that allows flexibility and part time work as necessary. I have learned and grown from life experiences, including this one. I have been really, really patient. At varying times and degrees, I feel frustrated, disheartened, depressed, angry, devastated, confused, insecure, and the list goes on.
So, why do I see what seems like everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies and moving on to the next phase of their life, while I continue to struggle to even get pregnant? How is it even fair that people get pregnant accidentally, or even worse, get pregnant and not even want the baby? What am I supposed to learn from this that I will look back on and see much later in the future? I wish you could just tell me, so we could move on with this already (okay, my patience may be waning).
We are about to meet with another fertility specialist for a second opinion later this month and likely will be kicking off more treatments. So, know that I will be in your ear a lot more about this. In addition to praying, I will be meditating and writing more. I cannot, will not allow myself to fade slowly into depression like last time. I know now that ignoring my feelings only made them stronger. So, get ready God. If you don’t want to listen to my, let’s say increase, expression in emotions, than let me have a baby already!
Thanks for your time as always.